Exploring what happened in the time following Sawtooth, Part 1: Balrogs in my mind

In my last post, I mention the Good Times Roll communication on April 22, and how everything felt pretty good.  That communication would be the last thing I would log in my files (I kept an excel and word doc of everything, in addition to my notebooks).  I would have continued to email everything I was 'getting' to the other individual, as well as some of it to the author I had mentioned also in a previous post, who was encouraging me to send him things.  Those two would have had, and maybe still do, things I would have sent, but everything else I recall now about that specific time period of April - June is just that... a recollection or memory.

Far from Good Times rolling my way shortly after April 22, I found myself in hell, basically.  And again, I don't think there is any need to go into more detail than I have, but the deterioration between that time and May 7 was swift and complete.  

As I've mentioned before, there are perfectly good medical reasons for much of what happened to me, and might be more believable than having to consider that there really was a Balrog-demon hiding out under Idaho who was confronted by a Heavenly Maiden in order to obtain a really old stone that is necessary to save us.  If I was a medical professional, I know which door I would pick given those two options.  One of the benefits of being in a place where it is OK not to know whether something was real or not, however, is that I can describe an alternative story or reason and just let it be.  In many ways it doesn't really matter at this point.

In this alternative story, rather than rapid onset of psychosis (though based on building trends of underlying disordered thinking in the weeks and months leading up to it), my deterioration was actually a result of what Asenath would have communicated to the Son of Baal-ox in their confrontation.  When her words to the Balrog were conveyed, I also caught words between what I assume were Baal-ox and his son, themselves, strangely enough, which would have occurred after his defeat.  Again, I don't have the specific words anymore, but based on memory, the son described how he was made to take an oath.  Apparently, though, he would have also passed on other information to Mr. Baal-ox that Asenath would have said, as Baal-ox asks his son to look into some some of what was learned in that confrontation.  Even though the oath has taken out the son from direct conflict, apparently he is still free to look into those things.

I think the son looks into this, returns and reports on his findings, and somehow I and my mind are now involved.  I am not sure how I play into this, but I as much as I try to avoid it, I can't separate the fact that just by 'hearing' all of this over those several months, that my own story somehow relates to this.  I have guessed many times as to how, and been demonstratively wrong on several of those occassions, so I won't publicly hazard any guesses now.  Perhaps I listened in too closely.  For purposes of this particular part of the story, I believe, I think it is OK just to say that I think I was given the highly desireable role of Bait.

My belief is that the location of the other Balrogs was not known, but that somehow they needed to be also addressed to clear a way for this Stone.  In this narrative, part of what Asenath shared with the Son of Baal-ox was specifically designed as a trap in order to draw out these other Balrogs.  The thought was that these Beings would act in exactly the manner that they did, expose themselves, and then someone would be able to eliminate them (through oath or otherwise).  I was the unwitting bait, in this scheme - something I would not have known at the time, obviously, since I didn't even have a clue as to what was going on.

In essense, a trap was set for the Balrogs.

I believe Baal-ox would have been armed with some type of intelligence from his son at some point shortly after April 22.  How I became involved in this intelligence gathering, I do not know.  It may be that my listening in on things was known prior to this.  On February 26, I received these words from what seemed like a not-very-friendly source:

I do not know the future but this Mormon I have already sent feelers into.

Perhaps that is when I got pulled into this.  I am still technically Mormon, with records still with the church though not actively participating.   Or not - like I said, it wouldn't be the first time I've incorrectly inserted myself into the story.

But assuming that we are on the right train of thinking, by the first week of May I think Baal-ox decided he would strike.  I can't relay really into words what May 6 and 7 was like, but that is exactly what it felt like - a quick, lethal strike directly in my mind.  A Morgul blade to my brain.

Though my recovery would take a couple years, I believe that the actual attack from this Being did not last much longer than those days.  Whoever was waiting to ambush Baal-ox when he revealed himself was waiting and ready to take action, thankfully, but the damage had been done to me.  I'd like to think that if this is really how it went down, at least the Powers-that-Be had enough confidence in me that I wasn't going completely lose myself.

Coat of Skins is the name I gave this blog, not really knowing why fully, but I think this experience is one reason.  My coat of skins - my body - which was designed in the beginning to be some sort of shield or protection against evil, did its job and held - barely, and not without medical intervention. But it - my brain specifically - in the aftermath was like a car that just survived a high speed crash, an analogy Sophia would use on several occasions.  The problem, though, with this analogy is that a car can kind of just rest in the shop waiting to get fixed.  There is no resting for the brain (unless in a coma or something) and I was misfiring all over the place.  I was more like the Starship Enterprise after being ambushed and nearly destroyed by Klingon warships, engines firing all over the place trying to get to some kind of safe port before my lifesupport completely fails, with Scotty telling me that the engine room is about to blow.

So, bait, and I guess it worked.  

I mentioned two Balrogs, though.

I will be short about this one in saying that it would not be until July 2021 - over one year later - when she was uncovered and dismissed.  A short phrase from a longer English set of words from July 20, 2021:

She is gone.  The other.  No more tricks.

The 'she' here, I believe, is Mrs. Baal-ox, an imitator and trickster, and nothing more needs to be said about her on the matter, I don't think.

I fully recognize that I may, in fact, have just suffered from some psychosis-type events and there isn't any other type of explanation.  It is a truth and possibility I have had to look in the eye and be OK with.  I don't know what the answer is.  I am convinced that no matter what someone thinks of the things I relate, they also don't know what the answer is, either.  

Anyway, so this turned into a bit of an update on Balrogs - there were 3, and now they are no more, at least in this tale.  

In Part 2, I will just focus on the Stone - where is it?  2020 was awhile ago, and it seemed urgent to get it, so some kind of activity around it would be expected.  I don't have as much insight as I'd like, but we'll dive in with what I do think I know and see how it goes.  I know I said in my last post that I would tackle events leading up to this, but I broke this post into two parts, so I will try to do that after this next one.