Calling out (fictional) demons

I do get it, by the way.  The content here is a bit strange already, and then you get posts where Beings who are known to only exist in fairy tales are assumed to be real and called out for their interference.  I've literally done that twice now with two different people in the last couple months, which is something that my pre-2019 self would have thought was pretty strange.  Now, I just assume there are really evil Beings, and one of them happens to have been called Saruman by Tolkien.

Whether there is a devil that has once been named Saruman or not, I can't say for sure, obviously.  I believe he exists by the fingerprints he leaves - how that has impacted my life and how I see it impacting the lives of others.  Even if wrong, I think why not share notes so that people can be armed with the best information they have in making their own decisions on who and what to listen to.  That is what we have to decide, right?  Which 'spirit' to listen to?

In his latest post, William Tychonievich mentions the gender as being one of my major hang ups with 'Tim' and the Fairies.  I think it is an accurate statement so long as it is also considered with other things I mentioned, including his appearance, name, and the content of what he said.

Fairies is a word I adopted based on William's blog in order to try and speak the same language he speaks.  I have never referred to Beings in that way outside of this blog, and I don't think of them that way either (I also don't use the word syncs).  I only use that term on this blog for that reason - because William calls them Fairies.  So, I didn't associate Fairies with women because I thought of these Beings as Fairies... I just thought of them as women, full stop.  Beings that are in some way like you and me, though not the same.  Their gender is important for the story just because of who they are and the characters they are associated with.

So, I actually didn't have any assumptions on William's view on these Beings (or even if he literally took them as Beings, which I think he considers among several possibilities), but was more thinking that it might be helpful to put more of those daughters' story out there and see if that resonated with him. 

Clearly not!  That is why I thought it was so interesting that as I was gathering up my thoughts in preparation for writing something about that, in enters Tim!  Definitely not who I was thinking of, but with gender being part of that not for its own sake, but for all of the story that it represents for these characters.

Anyway, it was quite a revelation, and I figured that maybe I was going to hold off on any more inferences down that road for the time being!

It still leaves us with Fairy Tim, who he is and to his purposes.  It is up to each of us to decide who to listen to and follow, and so Tim will be what William decides what he will be.  In the spirit of sharing notes, I will just add my own experience and perspective and people can decide if relevant or not.  As Gildor said to Frodo:

Elves seldom give unguarded advice, for advice is a dangerous gift, even from the wise to the wise, and all courses may run ill.

So take this not as advice, but as a story, and take what you want from it (though I will also summarize my own takeaways).

As I thought more about Tim, I was reminded of my own experience with "Mrs. Baal-ox".  I don't know her real name, and I think I shared that she had told me even her name at the very end of her haunting of my mind and pen, but I promptly forgot it (likely for good reason).

In the spring of 2021, starting in February, I began to write very long sessions, in English, where I felt like I was communicating with another Being.  I couldn't say for sure whether I was, as this was a bit of a different experience than with other words, dreams, etc., and so sometimes treated it as a creative writing exercise.

At that time, I had reconnected with my friend from 2020, and I would share my writings with him, and he would actually go back to his words from 2019 that he had written when I was out, and help make connections between what he had written and what I was writing.  There were quite a lot there, and it seemed to add to the validity that there was 'something' there.  I also shared them with my sister, because this is one of the checks I put on myself - I asked her to read stuff so she could step in and recommend any medical treatment for me if things got strange.  I just wanted to be transparent.  It was also nice to just have someone else to talk to.

The writing also helped me - it became a bit of a lifeline at that particular time, but also was very confusing.  I was supposed to stay away from all of this kind of 'stuff', and so writing in this way, and even talking with my friend, felt like perhaps I was regressing.  It was helpful, though, because during some of this time, when there was so much that was just locked up inside of me, this became my outlet.  I didn't know what to make of it, but I found it helpful.

A strange thing happened, though, and what started out good, seemed to become strange at some point.  I am not exactly sure when - if I went back through it in detail I could probably pick out some inflection points - but things started to feel off.  The writing sometimes became more compulsive.  Some of the anxiety peaked a bit more.  And some of the things I was writing (and even started dreaming) were strange.  But not all of it - it was like this mix of good and bad, and I began to get very confused about what was going on.

I actually decided to stop writing, and told the Being(s) that I am doing this for me because I was not sure if I could trust them, or myself, anymore.  I felt like my mind was going to take some steps backward.  In a bit of a flash of inspiration, I listed out several criteria that I was going to adhere to and wrote them out to the Beings (if there were any to write to).  I looked them up just now, and here are a few examples (a few slight redactions due to just general crazy stuff!):

• ... No new information... I will not accept any additional insights, whether written or realized in the mind...
• Based on this, if I think of something and/or write something that could be construed as information, I will assume it is coming from a different source, and will disregard it, completely.
• Any patterns, connections, etc. I will assume are part of my mental thought patterns that are less than healthy, and not communication, at least from good sources, or authorized good sources
• I will accept warm hugs, positive and hopeful vibes, and any help or suggestions on things that are real to me here - things like the garden, farm, work, family, etc.

Anyway, there were several more that I wrote out.  You can see my mention of the equivalent to what William and others call 'syncs' in my reference to patterns and connections (that is how things typically work for me).  You also see a similar approach to what he took in trying to cut off new information for a period of time.  In my case, it was not time based (there was no date or deadline), but rather milestone based - I needed to figure out what was real or not with what had been written.

I felt really good about my list, and I felt that other Beings did also.  As in, this was OK.  I actually crossed off one of my criteria based on what I felt was 'feedback', felt good about the change, and so began my writing freeze.

It was at this point that I recognized the ugly or compulsive side to what I had been doing.  I began to feel this compulsion to write - it was almost unbearable at times.  I would have to go find things to distract myself.  I had returned to work again during the first part of 2021 (after not working for most of 2020 as a result of my mental struggles) and that helped also.  Sometimes I was just white knuckling it, holding out on not writing.  It was fairly intense at times.

By mid to late July, however, it was gone.  This is when Mrs. Baal-ox introduced herself one morning.  I didn't make the connection between her and the writing until later... at that time it was just a random woman who said "My name is [blank], by the way".  And then that was it.

About a week later I was waiting for my daughter to come out from dance and sitting in my car, and I got this feeling to write, which I first hesitated about, but it was a better feeling - like the old good feeling.  It felt OK.  It was in that writing, just a couple short paragraphs, and more like the 'warm hugs' I said were allowed anyway, in which I wrote the phrase:

"She is gone.  The other.  No more tricks"

I think I have shared that phrase before in other posts, but that is the overall context.  

I interpret the story as my criteria and the decision not to write for that time allowed me to 'wait out' Mrs. Baal-ox.  Almost like she needed to feed on it or something, as I think on it, and if I wasn't going to write, then perhaps she had to go.  I don't know honestly, though, and my read on it might be totally off.

Anyway, here are some thoughts based on this

• I think my writing of that time started out good, but I don't even know that for sure
• Even if good, it was corrupted or infiltrated at some point, and bad elements became blended in with the good (meaning, multiple voices talking in the same manner/ language)
• It took setting boundaries and criteria, in this situation, to expose the good and the bad
• The Good Guys respected the boundaries I set, and worked within them... the Bad Guys disregarded my criteria and tried to have me write and go against what I said
• "Tricks" do exist, and Evil will use them - it isn't a game, and they can be very tricky.
• Even as things turned 'off', the Good Guys never left me.  They were there.

I think there is some relevance for William's Tim here.

I may be overreaching or reading too much into things, but in matters like this, I think better to be cautious than not.  In my experience those who have our best interest at heart are OK with that, and being doubted and questioned also... they know the stakes, and we should feel like we are among friends.

Yes, the fact that Tim showed up as a male was surprising and concerning as I thought through the story.  The most concerning thing, however, is that Tim completely disregarded William's wishes.  Now, William might be OK with this, and whatever he and Tim discussed made everything all cool, but at the same time to me this throws probably the biggest red flag of all (again, if it happened to me... William's experience might be different).  

Those who I feel are good will understand and respect the boundaries we set.  If you say come back November 27 and leave me alone until then, I think they would (though there still could be some noise in there because a brain has been trained for so long to see things and patterns in a certain way).

The fact that Tim didn't think that the rule applied to him sounds very much like Tim... horns and all.  I am sure there were all sorts of important reasons why waiting until November 27 wasn't necessary, but are any of them valid?  Why not just wait a few weeks?  Only William can answer that, and it sounds like something he is looking into, anyway.  

I mean, it seems strange that Tim shows up like that just as William had just declared making headway on some interpretive progress and a story, particularly with respect to some Saruman themes.  Why not continue to give him some space to figure some more things out?  His idea seemed to be working in that regard, and so I just don't see a need for Tim to enter here (for any good reason), at least before November 27.

As for the 'syncs' in general:  Are all or even many of them coming from some Being(s) who may or may not be or hang out with the fictional character of Saruman?  I don't think so - I think there are good voices blending in here in many instances perhaps.  I am just saying that this particular communication channel may have become corrupted just like many others have, in that we can't easily tell between good or bad sources.  

And maybe rather than taking a hike, Tim can go jump in a lake... of fire and brimstone.