I mentioned that in these later April - June 2020 words there seem to be more phrases that are direct responses to either questions I asked in a prayer, or in one instance, my decision to not follow through on some action. It has been interesting to look back through them.
One example I have already reviewed in my post titled "Spelling Bee, Abseil, and Waiting for a Star to Fall", where I shared those words about waiting for a stone. I had shared those before in my Michael Jackson post, but hadn't given the background that the night before I had been praying for some help. The words were:
May 6
Yor El
8 inches, 30 pounds
Wait for it
What I didn't mention even in that post where I had given some additional background is that a big part of that prayer had to do with writing and in asking for help on what I was supposed to do.
My words had been going on for quite some time by the time that May 2020 rolled around, having started back in October 2019. However, as also noted elsewhere, another individual besides Doug had started writing some phrases down as well sometime around the beginning of the year. He had shared them via email to Doug and me, just as I was emailing some of my things. As part of this, Doug ended up making a strange statement that this other person and I would somehow be working together to be writing a history of Numenor, and that we should be ready to do that whenever that would start.
Strange to relate now, but that is how I remember that happening.
I was not convinced this was actually the case, however, and I remember replying to Doug's note with something like a "Noted" to start off the communication. Maybe that was going to be how it played out, maybe not, but I wasn't fully bought into how he was positioning things. And such a story never materialized, at least on my end, and I had no interest in trying to pursue that. I was still getting these various words, and recording and trying to understand them remained my priority.
This would have happened earlier in the spring, and my mind was a lot 'healthier' at that time (well, as healthy as one can be with what was going on). Fast forward to May, and I was not doing well. I began to have some feelings like maybe I was wrong all along, and that I should be doing something more or different in order to write something, like Doug had suggested. Maybe I felt so bad and was falling apart because there was something I was supposed to be doing, but wasn't?
So, I asked. That was part of the help I was looking for. I said that if I was supposed to write something, I am happy to do it. I just didn't want to feel as bad anymore, and I was asking for forgiveness, basically, if I had done something wrong or failed to do something that I should have.
The next morning those words above were what I had, and I took it as a clear answer. Wait. There is a Stone coming at some point, to some person or group of people, and just wait for it.
So, that was one example where, with all of these voices and words going on, I felt it was a direct answer to me. Intended for me. And I determined that while I would go on to write lots of my thoughts, and even more of these strange words, I would never categorize or think of any story as official or having anything close to a level of credibility that someone else should believe in or even consider seriously unless some kind of Stone was involved. Of all of my other failures in this whole thing and other areas, that has been something I have been proud of, if it is OK to use that word. I have waited.
Later, on May 31, there was another set of words that came in response to, what I felt at least, was a direct question in prayer. Recall on May 29 and 30, there were some brief words I recorded about someone having a Stone (one of The Germans saying this), and he also mentioned that 'they are safely away', with my assumption now that this was referring to these 82 Beings. Though at the time I had no clear idea what that was referring to. May 30 would have been the song "Coming Home" by Sheppard, which my guess now had to do with this subset of Fathers going home.
I wasn't feeling great, though, and I was being placed on various medications to try and stabilize things. I had been forwarding these May and June words to this other person still (the only reason I have them now to write about them is because he held on to them, since I destroyed them). When I sent over a reference to this song "Coming Home", I typed this in the email, based on the file he shared back with me: "It's a very happy/upbeat song, with surprisingly relevant lyrics, I think. Wish I felt 25% as upbeat as the song, and I would feel a lot better".
On top of how I felt, I was also having all sorts questions, feelings of guilt, and quite frankly things I was just scared to talk about to any other living person, I guess. So, it was in another prayer one night that I asked about some things, and I kept feeling bad for having to ask them, or guilty, for whatever reason. The next morning here is what I had written down:
May 31
Ishimolo
hundreds hopefully gimgalu
Beware those priests entertainers robbers
If you want to say something, say it; it's not bad
Because you are think think think
A better idea is to introduce Mr. Train
I have no idea who "Mr. Train" is, and don't even really have any good guesses at this moment over 4 years later. But that phrase was followed by a dream of a piano (another piano dream), with someone sitting in front of it. Some kind of fabric or cloth was pulled across the keyboard to cover it, and I noticed that on this fabric was some kind of colored-template for playing a song. Meaning, it was designed to teach you which keys to play and when in order to play a certain song. Just play according to what the pattern on the fabric showed, and you'd be pressing the keys in the right order and rhythm to produce the right song, basically.
It was that 4th line that hit me as a very personal response, because in my prayer I had kept repeating phrases before I would say something like "It is probably really bad for me to say or feel this, but...", as I was trying to just get some stuff out. This particular Voice, I felt, was trying to tell me that nothing I said or would say in this regard was bad, or was interpreted that way, and that maybe I should feel better about just getting what was on my mind and in my heart out, both back then and in the future, and it was OK. No judgment. That is at least how I took it, and also noted, just as the speaker seemed to indicate, that I do have a tendency to get lost in my own thoughts, which can be a really good thing at times as I work through problems, but became quite a destructive behavior for me following all of this for the next year or two.
In June, things continued to get more confusing for me, and it looks like I ultimately stopped recording things and sending them over to this other person after June 23. That is when the file ends. That makes sense, because I ended up flying out to visit my older sister and her family for a week to get a bit of a break in a different environment to see if that would help. I think I flew out on June 25. My wife and kids would fly out the following week and join me at my parents (who life a few hours away from my sister) for a little vacation as well. So, my recorded words stop at June 23 from what I can tell - not that things stopped then, I just stopped sending them over, and so I don't have them anymore, but do remember some things.
In any case, I mention that because as my situation was shared with my family, I wondered whether I should share more details with my older sister, at least, who I felt more comfortable sharing things with, as to the full extent of what had gone on over the past several months.
Earlier in the month, on June 7th, I started to write an email to my sister, explaining, in highlights, everything that had happened. I was midway through my email, when I thought that this all sounded ridiculous and ended up deleting the email without sending. The next morning, a very clear 'voice' asked:
June 8, 2020
Do you not plan to talk [Sister's name]?
Guilt free if shining in Gaul
Having my sister directly mentioned, with the obvious reference to the email I drafted but did not send, was unsettling to me. It sure wasn't helping me in my own thinking relative to my psychiatric treatment and potential mental illnesses I might have (and was learning all about at this time!). Hard to not have someone view you as either in on ongoing psychosis episode or somewhat schizophrenic with this going on.
Now, looking back on this (and again, I've just had these words returned to me in this file that my friend held on to for a couple weeks now), I find the reference to Gaul fairly fascinating. At that time, though, obviously made no sense at all.
Gaul is the ancient term - used by the Romans, I believe - for a portion of Europe that was comprised mostly of modern-day France, but with small parts of Belgium, Germany, Italy, etc. But France was its primary make-up.
Given how much France has become central to our story, and what happens there in the House of Tom Bombadil with a Stone and other things, it actually now makes complete sense to see that mention in this context. It does make me think that there continues to be something to the France aspect of this story.
In any case, I just thought I would bring up these examples to reinforce that while I tried very hard to extract myself from the story itself (particularly at that time, since I kind of wanted out of the whole crazy thing), it seemed that at least in some instances what was going on in my own real life was being both observed and addressed by whoever was speaking at these various times. Not that it was always that way - I actually think many times I was more listening in on various words, or maybe dialogues between other Beings are being conveyed I guess, with no real intent from those speakers to address me - but rather that at certain times it seemed that some kind of communication was directed at me, for better or worse.
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